10. You're a complete failure and so here take all my money.
9. You're a complete failure, but please don't take my money in the top drawer.
8. I have nominated myself to micromanage you and make sure you do everything correctly.
7. If you love me than you will not have another drink.
6. You had another drink even though I told you "If you love me you will not have another drink" so you must hate me.
5. Drinks on me!
4. So you can't just be like normal?
3. It's okay that you ruined the quincenera by shooting the pinata with a .22 caliber rifle and shitting on the cake, just don't do it again.
2. I'll murder you if you don't drink so you may as well drink because you want to anyway and now you can be alive drunk instead of dead sober.
1. You are a disappointment to your mother.
A writer living in Portland, OR looking to meet Chuck Palahniuk. Single mom to 2 boys, sales agent and lawyer-in-training.