If you're a problem drinker and have ever found yourself in the uncomfortable position of declining a drink at a social function, it can be hard to think on your feet and not spit out the awkward "I'm an alcoholic". Here are ten other reasons you can give that will stop a drink pusher in their tracks.
1) "I'm over hydrated" - Nothing will bore a drink pusher faster than a dissertation on the harmful effects of over hydration. Feel free to really get into the physics of it. "Did you know that hyponatremia can cause confusion, headaches, nausea and bloating?" The drink bearer will retreat faster than your will power.
2) "Is it okay to take that with my anti-psychotic?" OMG, did you just say that? I was joking, but it worked didn't it?
3) "I'm on a diet, get that outta my face!" - You can say this with humor. Diet jokes are an easy fallback to actual, well thought out wit. Just like jokes about coffee, everyone will get a chuckle, roll their eyes and go back to the meaningful conversations they were having with someone else.
4) "My dad is an alcoholic" Blame it on someone else. I'm sure your dad (who has never had a drinking problem) will be happy you threw him under the bus in order to preserve your sobriety. After all, he's the greatest guy on the planet and even in the wake of your disappointment has always been there for you. No one is going to question this, it sounds like you had a fucked up upbringing. That's what they are all here to forget about!
5) "I'm driving" Maybe you are driving, maybe you aren't. Maybe you've had three DUI's and everyone knows about it. In any case make sure you have a spare set of keys to jingle through out the night to prove the point that you are definitely driving.
6) "Fuhgetaboutit" No explanation needed. You're that guy/girl. The drink offerer may think you didn't hear them, but they're not going to ask again.
7) "I'm actually allergic to alcohol" I've heard that alcoholism is really an allergy so this isn't a lie. You might be lying about everything else in your life, you're an alcoholic after all, but at least you can put a truthful twist on why you can't drink.
8) "Oh no, I shouldn't have that, I'd ruin everything." This is even more truthful. You aren't outright saying you are an alcoholic just simply teasing at it. This might open up the conversation to hyperbole about the hypothetical things you might do if you take that drink. Be flirty!
9) "I only drink Courvoirsier". No one ever has Courvoirsier and you look super too classy for everyone. Just make sure you study how to say it first or your cover is blown and you look like a jack ass.
10) "My IBS is flaring up" Oooooookay, so if all else fails no one wants the party fail of having the bathroom smell like their was a pipe blown. Nuf said.
Photo by Blake Lisk on Unsplash
A writer living in Portland, OR looking to meet Chuck Palahniuk. Single mom to 2 boys, sales agent and lawyer-in-training.