1. The lady at the liquor store says "Get out of here, I'm calling the cops."
2. You're sitting on a curb behind the car wash, see the cops coming around the corner and think, "Fuckin' liquor store bitch."
3. You're in a squad car uncontrollably crying about being molested as a kid.
4. The guy next to you at the bar says, "You already told me that story three times tonight" and you respond "Have we met?"
5. You are being carried to an unidentified room by two hairy full grown men and you're smiling because you think it's actually an alien encounter.
6. You crack your head open, but on the way to the E.R. your only concern is to insult the mother of the "asshole" at the bar that said you should slow down.
7. You fall down a flight of stairs and pop up like a jack-in-the-box on crack.
8. Someone accuses you of "Taking a piss on the wedding cake" and you immediately think "What a bitch."
9. You go to light your cigarette and singe off your whole eyebrow.
10. You realize the dog pillow you thought you were laying down on is actually just a pile of used kitchen rags.
A writer living in Portland, OR looking to meet Chuck Palahniuk. Single mom to 2 boys, sales agent and lawyer-in-training.