A lot of people might have the preconception that you need to do meth before you can be rewarded with a pile of garbage bags bungie corded together. Not true! If you are considering a career in methamphetamine you can use this guideline to get you straight to being a meth head without the real life repercussion of propelling your dopamine production like a virtual Disney factory at Christmas time that gets sold to Mitt Romney, closes down and the town goes bankrupt. Here are some of the Methhead accessories you can do ALL yourself for Fall 2018.
Severely Cracked Phone
This fall accessory looks like it should be easy to make, right? WRONG! After you try throwing your phone on the ground, chucking it 30 miles an hour at a brick wall a foot away and smashing it straight on with a rock you'll discover this exact look is hard to achieve. If you get lucky you will break it to the point where you will have to use makeshift aluminum foil sauter to connect a bunch of wires on the back and somehow still hear a voice going in and out on the other side.
Custom Bike with Shit Attachment
Ever laid your eyes on one of these babies? No, you haven't cause no two are alike. Each bike seems to rival the next on how much crap can be literally strapped on to a baby carrier. All you need to make your own is a stolen bike, a stolen baby carrier and a bunch of shit. It's easy!
A tent surrounded by a stack of grocery carts, a RV surrounded by grocery carts or a grocery cart surrounded by a bunch of grocery carts
This look never seems to go out of style. First you'll need a dumpy RV or a tent with a million tarps and bungie cords. Next you'll need a fuckload of grocery carts. Place the grocery carts outside the tent or rv randomly as if they blew onto the scene in a jet pack.
If your goal in life is to be on meth give this a try and see how you like it. Or you've been envying the soulless shrouds that creep around your city like the Walking Dead, this is a way to achieve those goals without the means, you don't have to sit around and covet any longer!
Welcome to my Celestial Healings(TM) site!
My name is Scott Brandish and I’m going to guide you through creating your own aura cleansing and remote prayer website so you can profit off of marijuana users, people mentally unfit for retail jobs and internet induced schizophrenic’s. First, you’ll want to choose between one of three backgrounds: Indigo with lasers, space scape with Aurora Borealis or floating Celestial orbs. Get creative! Once you have chosen your unique background you’ll be able to begin writing content. The first few paragraphs should be about yourself so you can bring defenses down and build trust. For example my site begins:
“I am an ordained God-minion of the pure bloodline Hadith and registered practitioner of Reiketh.”
Just like that, make yourself relatable. Next, throw in some reviews of your service and if you don’t have any customers yet feel free to make them up and reference only a first and last initial so they can’t be traced. Here are two sample reviews from my site:
Review 1: “Having a Divine Healing was like taking a spirituality stein and shotgunning it. It filled my entire being with the Power of the Heavens” — H.R.
Review 2: “I thought I might have a brain tumor one night because my head felt like it had a small man with a hammer inside pounding at my temple. I Googled it and followed the symptoms to the worst possible diagnosis. Later, I found your site and was told to follow the Divine Healing PrayerTM would only cost me an additional 79.99. I purchased it and shortly after, maybe five minutes, I felt the hands of 500 horses picking me up and carrying me. I closed my eyes and saw the horses taking me through the front gates of Burning Man. Actually, I got to stay in one of Robert Redford’s tents and have full access to the lovely catered meal that was provided. Later that night I dropped acid and was shot out of a cannon dressed as half Jack Sparrow, half manic pixie dream girl, on fire. It was a blast. The next day my brain tumor was GONE.” -T.M.I.
Highly recommend to your potential clients before purchasing the service that they find something wrong with themselves and Google it. You’ll want them to feel confident that they have the worst possible ailment to cling on to. Let them know they will need this diagnosis to fill out line 9 on the Divine Healing Order. If they cannot find a suitable diagnosis just have them write in “Fibromyalgia”. Next, cut and paste the following:
“This service has a %99.9 success rate for healing self-diagnosis.”
Make sure that statement is centered and in bold letters. Now that you’ve written about a paragraph or so you’ll want to casually introduce Lizard People and how they have quite possibly taken your potential clients body as a donor. This is an excerpt from my site:
“When I perform the Remote Aura Scan I often discover that a Lizard has snuggled into the host body of the recipient. Not a big deal. We here at Celestial Healing’sTM have obtained Obsidian of the Third Order for the exact purpose of Lizard extraction. Paying 119.00 to keep a Lizard from wearing your body like it’s a Star Wars costume on Halloween is a pretty fair price, don’t ya think? When you receive your Obsidian of the Third Order you’ll simply want to put it under your mattress and wait. It usually takes three to five days. If the Lizard isn’t completely gone after five days, be patient it will happen. You’ll know when the Lizard is gone because you will not feel compelled to sleep on a rock in the sun or snap your head about like a tiny alligator on meth.
If you do not have time to wait for the Obsidian of the Third Order or fill out the questionnaire you can simply click on the button below that reads “Send money for no reason” and enter in any amount larger than 50.00. We insure that your money will be spent on fine robes for me and my assistant, eyebrow waxing (I have my eyebrows completely removed twice a month), completely organic and raw meals delivered to the office (the office is a basement in my friend Margo’s house), a large turquoise pinky ring I’ve had my eyes on for some time and the completion of my website to add laser sounds and a custom indigo background.”
Again, you do not have to write this out verbatim. Feel free to add in a couple freebies as incentive as well. For instance if they order a Remote Aura Scan add in a Remote Full-Body Viewing or if they order a Divine Healing you’ll send them a bonus Obsidian. Remember, this is your scam so you are in control of how much of a freak you look like to people who land here on accident looking for a mortgage broker.
Now that your journey into Complete Celestial Healing has begun please feel free to go to my site and leave your comments. Feel free to use the template provided by my staff.
“I was diagnosed by a doctor four weeks ago as having _________(fill in Google diagnosis) and thought I would never recover. Soon after I discovered Celestial HealingsTM. I was skeptical at first, but after reading the many template filled reviews went ahead and paid the for $299.00 introductory offer to build my own Healing’s Website. I mean it was only $299.00 and for only $119.00 more I was able to not be a lizard again. I did not know I was a lizard in the first place, but now I was guaranteed to not be one. No amount of money could equate to the peace of mind I felt being lizard-free. Thanks Celestial HealingsTM!”
Photo by David Clode on Unsplash
A Co-dependent’s Guide: 5 for sure ways to get that guy/girl of your dreams to notice you (like I did with Tom Hanks)
It’s important to let the person of your desires know they have a special place in your heart. Follow these simple guidelines to help Tom Hanks, I mean that special someone, know how you feel about them:
Photo by Josh Withers on Unsplash : One of many pics that came up when I searched "Tom Hanks"
I’ve heard that people with ADD take uppers and it somehow balances out their crazy biological amphetamines. So if those with hyperactivity take speed than people with depression should be able to take some kind of depressant, right?
For instance, alcohol. Although alcohol may be the perfect depressant for the job, I’ve discovered that there are some side effects that may not suit a functional lifestyle such as: stealing a car from the local church, picking up the wrong kid from the wrong daycare, casually trying meth cause you thought it was bath salts at the time and actually the list goes on. The list goes on and branches out into several other limbs. Judicial limbs. I wanted to set out to find an alternative (and get off alcohol) so I started to explore more natural depressing options for treating depression.
The first one I tried was going to a Baptist church. I’ve heard that spirituality can help people with all kinds of diseases and mental disorders so I chose the most depressing church I could think of (besides Jehovah’s witness because it wasn’t readily available). My depression criteria went like this: Does the church hand out hateful gay bashing leaflets? Do they shun you if you decide Jesus is not your savior? Is hell generally brought up in regular topics ranging from super bowl commercials all the way down to gas prices? All the answers were yes, so in I went. People were friendly, almost too friendly. In order to make this work I could see I was going to have to implement some biases and distortions of my own to taint my experience. After a month of going and talking to no one, I felt my depression was at a stand still. It seemed most of the time I spent angry at the pastor and thinking about how nice a cold beer sounded.
The second attempt to depress myself out of depression I decided I was going to become a hipster. Maybe if I could act “as if” I could go so far on the depression scale it would wrap around to being ultimately happy. Like right wing fascism runs into left wing communism. The problem I ran into is that being a hipster takes an ungodly amount of work, time and money. Just getting the dumpy look right took several hours and then going down the obscure-band with obscure-name rabbit hole not only took time, but a great deal of memorization. You don’t want to be caught cross-referencing a band on your iPhone. The thought of all this work was depressing but not enough, I found, to make me happy.
At this time I thought for sure my only option was going back to a fifth of gin or a handful of Benzo’s.
Then I found Reddit Roastme.
R/Roastme showcases regular people who take selfies that they post in order to receive bashing criticism about their looks and surroundings. For instance the first guy was a bearded man in his late fifties. The first comment I saw was “When you use your logging tool to bludgeon your victims, it puts a whole new meaning to Axe body spray.” I read down the column and one by one the roast got more insightful. One person wrote a long poignant roast about a pale redhead “Your natural ginger hair shows thru that bottle of dollar store brand hair dye. Since you have no soul, does your skin start burning when you walk into a church? Does the holy water start boiling over, then evaporate into the floor? If the answer is yes to both questions then contact your local diocese. You remind me of those actors from the Twilight movies but without the talent or good looks. No amount of glittery glistening skin could make your ugly mug attractive.” Another told a girl who is writing a novel that it would “sell as well as a Hilary Clinton fleshlight”. Slowly, but surely I was able to focus on something other than the selfish thoughts of how bad my life is. I was able to look outward and focus on how bad I felt about the lives of others. I’ve been happily contributing to r/Roastme for six months now and been anti-depressant free.
So in short, and I should mention here I’m not a doctor so all of what I’m writing here is a doctor’s worst nightmare, my method is simply taking some cockamamie idea and finding exactly what it is that depresses you so that you can balance out your depression and live a life of fulfillment!
Try Reddit Roast…
Your boyfriend is staring at his phone, who the hell could he be texting? He seems to be enjoying himself, THAT bitch! You never should have supported him getting a Galaxy five, all that T & A he’s potentially scrolling through has 1460x2540 resolution!
Girl, stop. See now one of your diamonds just dried to your nail piercing. Deeeeem. There are many how-to blogs showing you how to apply rinestone’s to your nails, but there’s only one...this one...that will help you stay calm while your bf simply does not care about your mosaic sparkling peacock Swarofski crystal creation, but instead has his head buried deep inside his GD Samsung Galaxy 5.
First, you’ll want to buff your nails.
Buffers were made entirely as decoys. You might want to chew gum as well so as to appear aloof, but at the same time scanning your bf’s facial muscles for abnormalities. Is he smiling in delight? Is he clenching his teeth and tense. Is he doing that stern face he does when talking to his boss? At this time you’ll want to chew your gum more fervently. As you remove the top of your nail with the emery board determine the relationship between him and the person on the other end. Male or Female? If you don’t know it is safe to assume that it is some cheating bitch.
Now it’s time to move on to the top coat base layer. Also, to unpeel the layers of answers to those passive probing questions you are slathering on.
“You look like you are really enjoying that conversation”, “Is something funny...I like funny stuff?” or “Whatcha doin’?”...these are all great extraction questions. Keep going on this line as you move onto the next line of products. It's very important AT THIS TIME to find out if it is a new relationship or one that's been ongoing. If he acts like it's his best friend AJ and you are just being dramatic, it's safe to assume it is some cheating bitch.
For the last and final layer you'll want to strike on a clear coat while you're using standard accusations based on your previous assumptions.
Start out light with just a quick dry and "I feel" statements like "I feel like you've been spending a lot of time on your phone for the last thirty minutes" then move to a shellac and aggressive threats "I have guys hitting on me daily, if you aren't going to pay attention to me, I have ten guys waiting out the window ready to fuck me in a heart beat!"
Now your nails look amazing and you look just psychotic enough to use them! Remember, you just cleaned all the dead skin out of them so try not to immediately collect a whole new pile of compacted cells. Give it an hour or two before you kick out your bf because you'll be petting your cat angrily on the couch when he leaves and you don't want to get the feline hair stuck to the clear coat. Thanks for following my blog! TTYL
Photo by Luis Reynoso on Unsplash
This is a great activity you can do with your kids and at the end of the day you can go to bed thinking "I wonder if they'll need blankets in there?" (Because this will take you all friggin' day)
First you'll want to pick up some Kragle, yes, like in the Lego movie. Is Kragle a real thing? I don't know, you Google it. There's also stuff like Gorilla glue or hot glue if you also want to ensure there are no fingerprints left behind. For the bottom of the cage you can glue a whole bunch of Lego planks to a 3 x 3 wooden board. Once you have those glued and arranged you'll want to build a wall that is 10 Lego's deep and 10 Lego's wide. Tell the kids it's a race to see who can make their wall first, this is a great way to speed up the process, make it fun! (For every kid you have you'll want to double up on the dimensions). Once you do that you'll want to make "bars" by doing a 4 deep and 4 wide and then a space of 6 so you can see in to make sure they are gnawing at anything. At the top, as the lid, you'll want to make planks but triple up. Make a couple hinges and you're kids are good to go. Simply lower your kid in one, put on the lid and turn out the lights. Then turn them on and say "Just kidding!" Then turn them off again, walk away and listen to the endless screams. Makes a great joke for anytime of day.
Photo by Iker Urteaga on Unsplash
If you learn nothing else in this life at least learn how to do these three things: 1) make a fire from raw materials 2) find/purify water and 3) make vinegar from scratch. The reason why I say this is tenfold. First off, on the way to making vinegar you make alcohol which is an anesthetic, a sterilizer, a fire starter, an explosive and a good time. Vinegar itself is medicinal, detoxifying, cleansing as well as many other things. You can make bug repellent out of vinegar, kitchen cleaner, salad dressing, treat heartburn (some say, never worked for me) and use it to aid in weight loss (some say...). The best part about all of this is that you can easily make it from scratch and from scraps.
There's a couple ways to start this process. You can start with a gallon of juice (freshly juiced apples for instance) and put it in a sealable container with an airlock. This way carbon dioxide can get out without any of the wrong bacteria getting in. This will need to ferment 4 to 6 weeks in room temperature. It will bubble up as the natural yeasts work on the sugar. You can also start out with apple cores and simple sugar. You fill up a large container with apple cores and boil down sugar (3 tsp to 1 cup of water. Fill container until apples are covered). With both methods, the bubbles will eventually dissipate and you will have your alcohol base. Next, it is time to move to the second stage and turn it into vinegar. If you have a "mother" or a vinegar scoby you can use this now to not only speed up the process, but further insure your success. If you have Bragg's ACV it comes with the mother. If not you take a gamble and hope it just catches the right bacteria. Instead of the airlock top, you'll now want to tie on some cheesecloth so that air can move freely in and out and feed the yeast spores. This second fermentation can take quite a bit of time sometimes up to 6 - 9 months. Once fermented it will be very strong so you can always dilute to taste.
Will follow up with a Kombucha variation on this recipe. Kombucha has many healing properties included mood stabilization and help with a hangover from your previously concocted DIY alcohol.
This is a great way to look like a legit drug dealer and save money while doing way more work than you'd expel serving burgers at McDonald's for an hour (and even at minimum wage, you, in one hour, could afford way more pre-made pills than you could hand make in a whole day). I hope you understand what I just said. Feeling a little jittery. Anyhoo...to make pills you just need a pill press or a pill filler, but Pill Powers to the rescue you can make your own pill filler at home with some simple tools. I don't trust myself with scissors so I use a BIC pen, just like the pens you might use to stab someone in the neck and create a breathing tube if something was lodged in the airway and they were unable to breath this pen is going to be used to stab cardboard (which is good practice). Take a piece of cardboard and start stabbing holes a half inch apart on all sides and don't do this on a street corner or a public meeting area, it can be especially distracting to people in the lobby of a prestigious dental clinic especially when your hands are sweating bad and the pen has no grip. So stab away in the comforts of your own home or empty Walmart bathroom. Once you have about forty holes they are perfect circumference to fit a gelcap. Once you have inserted a gelcap into each individual hole, you will want to take the powdered substance you ordered from overseas of which you wish to fill the gel caps and using a the cut end of a straw or spoon straw from 7-11 take dips and pour it in. This little straw spoon is so cool, I wonder who invented these. Okay, so these are all filled and ready to snack on or I mean take responsibly.