Welcome to my Celestial Healings(TM) site!
My name is Scott Brandish and I’m going to guide you through creating your own aura cleansing and remote prayer website so you can profit off of marijuana users, people mentally unfit for retail jobs and internet induced schizophrenic’s. First, you’ll want to choose between one of three backgrounds: Indigo with lasers, space scape with Aurora Borealis or floating Celestial orbs. Get creative! Once you have chosen your unique background you’ll be able to begin writing content. The first few paragraphs should be about yourself so you can bring defenses down and build trust. For example my site begins:
“I am an ordained God-minion of the pure bloodline Hadith and registered practitioner of Reiketh.”
Just like that, make yourself relatable. Next, throw in some reviews of your service and if you don’t have any customers yet feel free to make them up and reference only a first and last initial so they can’t be traced. Here are two sample reviews from my site:
Review 1: “Having a Divine Healing was like taking a spirituality stein and shotgunning it. It filled my entire being with the Power of the Heavens” — H.R.
Review 2: “I thought I might have a brain tumor one night because my head felt like it had a small man with a hammer inside pounding at my temple. I Googled it and followed the symptoms to the worst possible diagnosis. Later, I found your site and was told to follow the Divine Healing PrayerTM would only cost me an additional 79.99. I purchased it and shortly after, maybe five minutes, I felt the hands of 500 horses picking me up and carrying me. I closed my eyes and saw the horses taking me through the front gates of Burning Man. Actually, I got to stay in one of Robert Redford’s tents and have full access to the lovely catered meal that was provided. Later that night I dropped acid and was shot out of a cannon dressed as half Jack Sparrow, half manic pixie dream girl, on fire. It was a blast. The next day my brain tumor was GONE.” -T.M.I.
Highly recommend to your potential clients before purchasing the service that they find something wrong with themselves and Google it. You’ll want them to feel confident that they have the worst possible ailment to cling on to. Let them know they will need this diagnosis to fill out line 9 on the Divine Healing Order. If they cannot find a suitable diagnosis just have them write in “Fibromyalgia”. Next, cut and paste the following:
“This service has a %99.9 success rate for healing self-diagnosis.”
Make sure that statement is centered and in bold letters. Now that you’ve written about a paragraph or so you’ll want to casually introduce Lizard People and how they have quite possibly taken your potential clients body as a donor. This is an excerpt from my site:
“When I perform the Remote Aura Scan I often discover that a Lizard has snuggled into the host body of the recipient. Not a big deal. We here at Celestial Healing’sTM have obtained Obsidian of the Third Order for the exact purpose of Lizard extraction. Paying 119.00 to keep a Lizard from wearing your body like it’s a Star Wars costume on Halloween is a pretty fair price, don’t ya think? When you receive your Obsidian of the Third Order you’ll simply want to put it under your mattress and wait. It usually takes three to five days. If the Lizard isn’t completely gone after five days, be patient it will happen. You’ll know when the Lizard is gone because you will not feel compelled to sleep on a rock in the sun or snap your head about like a tiny alligator on meth.
If you do not have time to wait for the Obsidian of the Third Order or fill out the questionnaire you can simply click on the button below that reads “Send money for no reason” and enter in any amount larger than 50.00. We insure that your money will be spent on fine robes for me and my assistant, eyebrow waxing (I have my eyebrows completely removed twice a month), completely organic and raw meals delivered to the office (the office is a basement in my friend Margo’s house), a large turquoise pinky ring I’ve had my eyes on for some time and the completion of my website to add laser sounds and a custom indigo background.”
Again, you do not have to write this out verbatim. Feel free to add in a couple freebies as incentive as well. For instance if they order a Remote Aura Scan add in a Remote Full-Body Viewing or if they order a Divine Healing you’ll send them a bonus Obsidian. Remember, this is your scam so you are in control of how much of a freak you look like to people who land here on accident looking for a mortgage broker.
Now that your journey into Complete Celestial Healing has begun please feel free to go to my site and leave your comments. Feel free to use the template provided by my staff.
“I was diagnosed by a doctor four weeks ago as having _________(fill in Google diagnosis) and thought I would never recover. Soon after I discovered Celestial HealingsTM. I was skeptical at first, but after reading the many template filled reviews went ahead and paid the for $299.00 introductory offer to build my own Healing’s Website. I mean it was only $299.00 and for only $119.00 more I was able to not be a lizard again. I did not know I was a lizard in the first place, but now I was guaranteed to not be one. No amount of money could equate to the peace of mind I felt being lizard-free. Thanks Celestial HealingsTM!”
Photo by David Clode on Unsplash