Come on ladies, any of you looking for a straight up guy? Not looking for games. Not lookin' for daddies. I see you tryin' to dodge my calls to look like you're busy...boom, I'm out. I see you coming home drunk from the bar on a work night...boom, I'm out. I see you dancin' on some other guy to try and make me jealous...boom. Got crabs...boom. Can't swim...boom. Jewish mom...boom. Scars...boom. Trump...Kaboom. Late...you may as well have called in a bomb threat, I'm out. Don't want me hangin' out with my football friends? Grab a broom cause you're boomed. Married? Get a room, cause your super boomed. Drugs? I don't do bloomers, I go boomers. Straight up guy, looking for straight up girl. No crazies. Capiche?
Hello, welcome to my lair. My basement. I can see you from the floorboards, you are beneath me and you don't even know it. That's how I like you: Non-consensual and yet willing. I've laid the footprints and asked you to dance, all you have to do is put one foot in front of the other. You're alive and yet your heart is in my freezer. You're conscious and yet your brains are in my hands. I've knocked you out with intrigue and laid you to rest in anticipation.
Was wondering if T.G.I.Friday's is off?
Cause "the boot guy" aka Scooter Jackson just landed and has his sights set on a lady friend. First things first, a little Q and A about T and A. Get that question often, "Hey Bootlegger, you an ass man or a breast man?" Well, your breast guess is as good as mine **wink wink wink** Nother question I get is "Hey Skeeter, you come from a broken home or just broke?" First off my name's not skeeter, second off I'm not broke now so I don't know why that came up and third I had a nuclear family, like the bomb, like my dad was gonna explode at any minute and my mom was gonna cut rations for us to survive the fallout. I hope that helps you get to know me better. I feel like I'm openin up a lot in gettin to know the ladies out there. I hope you'll help me get to know you better too!
I know that men are really into virgins, but for a girl like me a holy man is the ultimate. I've been with bishop's before and I know there's a reason holy and horny are only 3 letters apart. Monks can go for days and I'm not talking about the vow of silence. Real loud. I'd like to find a man of the cloth to get under the sheets with. A guy that is so over being good that he's willing to risk it all for moi. It's really quite flattering when a guy is willing to give up a whole congregation just to spend time with me. I want what every girl wants: to feel special. I want a guy that puts me before God, is that really too much to ask?
Saw you at the blood bank where we were exchanging fluids (not with each other, obviously, I would have remembered that!) and you told me you are type A. I wasn't sure if that meant you were controlling or compatible...I'm A positive hehehe. I'd like to get together to see what else we have in common: Bone marrow, skin, eyeballs...the possibilities are endless! When I tell you I'd like to be inside you, don't worry I'm not implying anything sexual. You could give me one of your kidneys and I could tell our friends that you complete me. I'm sorry I didn't catch your name, all I know is that they called you "donor" and it got me kinda hot. If this sounds like you please get hold of me so we can have an exchange.
All these fake ass boo's come around wit their anaconda's thinkin' they're gonna snake up inta this gotta nother thing comin for ya. Put yo snake back in the basket, charmer. First things first, I'm like 100% for real, mkay. No pervertives, no funkisides, no pestasides...totally organic pure rump. If yer lucky enough to get a handfull you better believe it's a grip, mkay. Second, I believe a man shou always treat a lady, I mean all my bills, all my phones, outfitz, nails did, hair did, you get the full picture. You send me a dick pic, I'll send you the fuuuullll pic including but not limited to where you will be if I even so much as see that snake pokin it's head where it don't belong. I be like Samuel Jackson "Get this muthafuckin' snake off this muthafuckin' plane, like, now! I do not deal kindly with the kindness of you with strangers if you know what I'm sayin and I think you do. Mkay, so that bout covers my first set of rules player. I'm like Dua Lipa, I got rules too.
I've been told I'm a total D.I.L.F. Got two kids and been divorced for almost a year now. Always been into older women myself so if there are any hot G.I.L.F.'s out there please don't hesitate to give me a shout out. I'm also into W.I.L.F.'s (Wives) and S.W.I.L.F.'s (Sister Wives). If there are any hot W.W.II.S.I.L.F. (World War II Survivors) or P.A.S.I.L.F.'s (Post Apocalyptic Sensationalists), P.M.S.I.L.F.'s (Pre-Millenial Sensationalists) drop me a line. Other than that I'm also curious about W.I.W.R.S.D.D.L.I.L.F.'s (Women Into Watching Reality Shows Doing Dirty Laundry), F.C.M.T.N.A.L.T.A.I.L.F.'s (Former Cult Members That Now Are Life Time Alcoholics), C.O.H.T.S.I.A.A.M.M.F.T.I.L.F.'s (Cougars On Haitus To See If Appropriate Age Men Might Fix Them) and G.G.I.L.F.'s (Great Grandmother's). I'll post more as I think of them, that's a short starter list just to loosen up the cogs and get things movin'. Message me at DILFLUNDGREN@hotmail.com.
I just met you, this is crazy....oh...wait, it's not? Oh, so you're saying I'M crazy? Fuck you. So you do want my number or don't you? Wait, what? I said do you want my number or I'm confused. Okay, let me lay it out for you. I just met you, right? I'm glad we can agree on that. This is crazy, right? You are nodding so I'll take that as a yes. Here's my number. See, that's where this gets a little sticky. I'm not going to put my number in a fucking post on a website for any old jack off to punch in and call up. I hope you get my logic here. And this is where I would say call me maybe except you don't have my number, you won't have my number and you will never ever ever in a million years have my number. So that maybe is a definitely kind of maybe definitely not ever call me. If you want a piece of this, you are literally going to have to be a little bit more motivated than this. Anyway, bye.
I'm literally a bi-polar bi-sexual, ya know, so actually just straight. I'm a Buddhist, Marxist, pragmatist that struggles with Existentialism. Also, I'm a meta-hypochondriac which means I worry a lot about coming down with hypochondria. I'm actually laying in bed as I write this thinking I'm coming down with a bad case. I work at a grocery store as the Angiosperm Quality and Control Supervisor and Implantation Expert. I have two parents which makes me an Official Offspring and DNA Beneficiary. I'd like to find a partner as long as you are okay by not defining ourselves by traditional roles or antiquated stereotypes. I'd like to rather be called Parallel Ideology Super-halves and Trans Suggestional Receptacles of Emotion.
Hello distressed damsels, independent hotties, curious wanderers step right up as I introduce to you myself, Clint Iverson, and invite you to review the merch. I'm a 38 year old male with a great job as an aquarium detailer. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I've been able to afford my own home and I take about a trip a year to somewhere exotic. I just kind of fell into the profession during college when I worked with a friend of mine's dad, then I just kind of took over when he passed away. I workout often and consider myself a bit of a Hercules. Let's see, what else? Oh, well, so I was in an accident about ten years ago that only effected me from the waist down. Everything is alright, but instead of the regular output I have a cord that kind of attaches around and slinks down. I'm not sure totally how to explain. Imagine the anatomy of a squid and then like a bag that extends and has a flap. I wouldn't say that I have an appendage as much as a constrictor. Everything is zeroscaped though, just so you know, nothing needs to be maintained regularly since none of it is necessarily considered to be alive. So what else? Oh yeah I love card games, big fan of poker and cards for Humanity. So I think I covered most of it, if you have any other questions feel free to IM me.
A writer living in Portland, OR looking to meet Chuck Palahniuk. Single mom to 2 boys, sales agent and lawyer-in-training.