If you've read my personal ads in the past you know me as the guy who has the poop fetish. Well, I got what I wanted in a big way ugh...I had kinda one of those be careful what you ask for moments. The woman I met from this site showed up at the hotel and when it was time to "deliver the goods", they got, well, impacted. There's really no protocol for this so I did what I thought would be best, called room service and asked for a serving spoon. I swear I scooped for twenty minutes. Not one of my shining moments. This was hard manual labor, man. I thought I was in for a little fun, but this was like serious warehouse work shlepping solid tons of shit. Now I'm feeling a little embarrassed coming back with my tail between my legs to humbly declare that I literally am not accepting any shit in 2019. Thank you, Shane.
This is Scoot R. Bootoir comin' through loud and proud. Mystery is gone, I'm half broke and single as a kraft cheese slice. I like my toast with the crust on, coffee black (full leaded like I'm drinkin outta a gasoline nozzle) and my ladies on all two's (Meanin' no dogs allowed woof..woof..bye!) If'nyer thinkin' I'm gonna pay yer meal ticket you can close this page right now and mark it for deletion. If you show up thinkin' I'm gonna just sign a pre-nup, well, may as well crunch that puppy up like an accordian and set it on fire. I like dancin' with Mary Jane on occasion, but you may cut in line if you ask kindly. I got a boot on my right foot from burnin the midnight oil with a dirty thirty a keystone light and hanging with my good pal Ernest "Cock Butter" McClean. The boot was an instant hit at the factory and for awhile when I was driving forklift the guys started callin' me Scooter Boot. Least that's how I remember it. Got a collie named Gassie and a goat named Paycheck. That's me in a nutshell, now why don't you go ahead and tell old Scoot a tale or two...
Ladies call me Mac for short, I got a bottom row grill made a gold fillin's and I used to work at Romano's Macaroni Grill and so you know, MC Mac Grill came into existence. But seriously though I'm an aspiring rapper and I have a studio in my mom's basement. Got a few hits like "Baby, Come On Down To My Mom's Basement so I can Proof I'm a Star" and "Baby, Come Upstairs I Show You My Boom Boom Room" and "Baby, Why You Leavin So Fast, I Haven't Shown You Nothin' Yet" and also "Message Me TTYL." Whoever I so choose to take on this special date, I will wet your pallet with a wilted spinach and garlic salad complete with feta cheese crumbles and a savory balsamic wash. For only an additional $14.99 I have a creamy lobster ravioli on a bed of arugula laying under a garlic aioli truffle quilt. And to top it all off a perfect blend of decadent chocolate cake layered with a spongy vanilla bean coastal explosion of the senses. Now if that doesn't ripple your pleasure centers I don't know what will! The lady of my dreams is tall, stacked and has a savory explosion of island flair and vanilla twist, a succulent blend of personality and grace finished off with the sweet pungeant smell of the makeup counter at Macy's. Call me Mac at 999-999-9999.
Hey there ladies, first timer here OR personal ad virgin I guess you could say (please don't take advantage of me!) (JK LOL!!) but anyway I'm new to town and looking for a chick to get some coffee with and maybe jump in the hot tub later. Don't think I'm a creep for bringing up hot tubbing, it's just something I like to do and thought it might be a great way to avoid a deep conversation (the hot tub is only four feet, right?) Not looking for anything more than just a hot tub friend, just someone (a lady) to put on a bikini with a stranger for free. We don't even have to get coffee for that matter or dinner. If you prefer we can go straight to the hot tub and I can gaze at you appreciatively in your bathing attire. Even though I said "just hot tubbing" if there happens to be more I'm not entirely opposed to that either. I'd be okay with a little rubber ducky action or inflatable toys if it's organic. Hot tubbing is the main event, but it will be featuring you, me and whatever plot line we align. I'll role play with you a scene from Cape Fear or Magic Mike and all you have to do is respond exactly how I imagine, it will be fun. I'm not looking for anything serious so don't worry, just looking for a friend to hot tub with and maybe impregnate. I know that's a big jump, but hot tubs just make me think of water births, aren't they beautiful? I hope I haven't scared you off, like I said I'm new to this so I'm just improvising and having faith the right lady will pop into my life like a temperature fried stillborn. Oh, yeah, my name is Jake, hope to get dippin' wit ya soon. Ladies with staff-related infections need not apply.
It's grandma Donna here looking for some kisses to lube my lips with. These lips don't secrete the fluid like they used, if I don't get someone here soon they'll be flaking and crackin' off like a dead fish that's been left on the dock in midday heat, attractin' flies and disintegrating basically. Now I apologize that didn't come out as practical as it truly is, that sounded a little desperate. What I need is a man to come over and wet my whistle. I need a little top coat on my tin lizzie, buff it up and take it for a dry run. Hell, I'd settle for ya just coming over and seductively applying chap stick. You'd be real lip saver if you could could do that for GD sake.
Some marriages have the arrangement where the mother works and the father stays at home. Well, I’m looking for a unique relationship with an even greater level of commitment. I’m hoping to be the worker, the one who takes on all the stress in return for your almost debilitating commitment. If you already have a disability that prevents you from easily getting around (or away) that’s even better. In my ideal relationship the man never leaves the bed, he spends his days watching back-to-back Simpsons episodes, yelling at the kids to “stop doing whatever you’re doing!” from the bed and when I get home there’s the sweet smell of sweat, bacon and poop permeating the air.
A typical weekend might involve a few sightings of you in the living room with your Jersey shorts and bacon stained wife beater scratching the back of your neck and asking “So, whatcha got goin on today?” As I begin to tell you about my plans, mid-answer you interrupt and announce, “okay, well, I’m goin’ back to bed.” Since you own fifty pairs of Jersey shorts and somehow manage to wear them all in a weeks time there’s always bonus work for me to do when I get home. On the plus side I throw out all the ones with poop smears or holes in the crotch and it cuts down the workload SIGNIFICANTLY. Occasionally, I’ll notice you are in the bathroom because it sounds like someone is watching Gladiator or that movie 300. Your humor will primarily revolve around bathroom humor, for instance downing a can of beans while in bed than farting and asking “Too soon?” As far as our sex life there’s nothing hotter than doing it doggie style and realizing your hand is on a smooshed mac and cheese sandwich or feeling the sharpness of Pringles underneath your kneecap. I know it’s hard to imagine this kind of arrangement since it’s pretty cutting edge…just think Charlie and the Chocolate factory Uncle Joe on tranquilizers.
It’s a tall order and in this society where it’s customary for men to work and women to stay at home, to have a woman work and have a man do jack shit and be generally disgusting is pushing the norms. I basically would like to be that chick that every guy wants. I tried to do that with makeup, by being super skinny and eventually resorting to getting an education. Finally, I’ve discovered how to be what every man wants (enabling) and in turn I get what I want, crippling loyalty.
Average hite guy that engages in the occassional drink and drug. Yesterday in fact I have made clay pots for dope and dabble in heroin. I really miss ShoCk TaRTs and haven't been able to find them at any store for some time hahaha. Right now there may or may not be a guy dressed entirely in black with a face mask hearing my thoughts OUT LOUD. Lookin for a down ass bitch really get illuminaughty with some speedballs and smack ya know ride or die. Also hoping black guy ski mask "bone crusher" hits the road an gets his skull pounded. People call me Rooster, I got a toaster I wear on my back, goes up to 99 miles per gallon. Don't be all weird like tin foil hates you know or fuckin tryin to cook your globe with a blow torch and singe your eyebrows. Had a girl last week didn't tell me she had a bf and come break into our hotel room dirty bitch lied to me and now I got burn notice. Come with your own sack too. Just a nomral guy pretty chill hella chill every girl I been with left. With a good taste on her mouth ya know? Names rooster if I didnt already say that. I gotta go somewhere, ninja dude got friends and they all jabbawokies on my ass. PM me.
I've been sittin' out watchin' the game for awhile thinking now why can't I do what those guys are doin'? You see, I'm an alright player, I got a decent flow so why do I keep gettin' put in the dug out? Every chance I get on the court is short-lived. The adrenaline gets to me and I get either too full-court press (admitting that I'm 100% all in) or suddenly I can't handle my shit and I foul up. What I need is a coach, someone with experience that can see my strengths and weaknesses and help me tighten up my weak performance.
Update: I had a lot of responses to this post thinking I was reaching out for help with erectile dysfunction. My erection game is on point okay and you know just cause a guy uses sports analogies does not mean he struggles with ED. But if you know of any kind of miracle pill that actually worked, go ahead and put it in the subject line of your message. Just as a joke :)
This is a missed connections blurb, I'm just reachin' out to see if I can find my bros. We used to hangout night and day, always had each others backs, since you left I literally feel like a piece of me is gone. Remember swimming and how Jason lost the race so he just had to wade in the pool for days? Kev and Ryan ditched us on Prom night and Tony convinced me to get a plan B then out of stress I shot out Blain and Stephen...remember? God, we had some good times. I feel like a soldier who has returned home from a long, distant war that wants nothing more than a reunion with the guys who kept me going during hard times. Last time I saw you guys was in my Fruit of the Loom striped basketball sock and I'm not sure where you've dispersed to. Please hit me up so we can kick it, rounds on me.
Hey Baboids, Gentoids, Androids just an old trick looking for new kicks. Been experimenting with some new sexual ventures and hoping to get a roster together for spring season opener. Forget 69, that's old news...come try the 27 aka "executions style impregnation". Or the 55, that's where we lay one in front of the other with our knees bent and arms straight ahead, no penetration. I'm also super into WAGWAGWAG (watching a guy watch a guy watching a guy). Super F'ing hot! I've streamed that before aka "The metaWAG". I've got a lot of room for exploration at my fetish ranch so I say let's get it movin'. I like Juju Licks, Underwear Pastes, Crotchadile Hunters, Ho Getters, Glitter Dicks, Bums, Yetti Enemas, Edible Grabs, Bloody Pad Slaps and Hung Daps to name a few. IM me for explanations on any all.
A writer living in Portland, OR looking to meet Chuck Palahniuk. Single mom to 2 boys, sales agent and lawyer-in-training.