Guy here interested in random play for fun or just aimless, ghost-eyed f*cking. I'm into "Mountain Douche", that's where I role play that I work at REI and tell you that your survival skills suck while you watch me f*ck your wallet. I have experience as "Hummer Dipshit" which begins with me peeling into the smallest parking space with my music blasting and yell out the window "You girls looking for a bad time?". In the second half of that fantasy you watch for forty minutes as I painfully try to jerk myself erect while making excuses like "Sorry, I did too much coke today" or "My dad hates me." I have tons of experience as "Blanket" where I lay on top of you so can't leave me due to my often violent outbursts. I could role play blanket all day long. It's pretty easy for me to step into character, just looking for a partner to "act with" and "pretend to be" insecure, arrogant, steroid addicted, impotent, asshole's.
You: Stunning Asian about 5'2", full of energy and smiled at me when I asked the front desk if I needed SR22 insurance for my scooter. When I watched you take the driving test and back into some orange cones, it gave me a little chuckle. When you started to weave around the cones and proceed to dart full speed into a barricade, it was pretty cute. You almost hit the retaining wall, killed the instructor and totaled the car. So I have just one question: When is it my turn?
Oh, I'm writing already, oh, hi! Hehehe okay, so I've never done anything remotely like this so pardon me if I lah dee dah my way through and leave out some details. Meanwhile, I can offer some simple aesthetics about myself: I am 5'3" with long reddish brown curly hair past my shoulders. In the summer I get freckles, in the winter I get shivers. Things that I like are: capes that get delivered to your shoulders by pastel budgies, I like tiny marsh mellows, whirling dervishes, hamburger sliders, slides! The world is my oyster so every night I dress like Venus. The world is a stage so I make several costume changes, take lovers, create plot lines...but never ever memorize my lines, ooopsies! My last lover was a minstrel, the one before that had a ponytail, the one before that a barista maybe you will be a piano repairman with a mustache and taste for fine whiskey or a bike messenger that delivers sweet notes under my windshield wipers like "Ground control to major hottie, there' something for you on the passenger." And then in my passenger seat will be this ad framed and engraved underneath it will say BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. Who will be the man to win the affections of this fair maiden only times will tell, but until then I will leave you with a kiss...quirky bye!
Green goblin looking for my irie princess to worship and get high with. Do you smoke? Cuz I'm pretty sure I do. hah hah ha h. I'm hungry right now, hungry for my nubian goddess to reign supreme and maybe go get a burrito supreme with. What I'm trying to say is...I wanna get high with you, like blow some cumulonumbus clouds and start a tornado of love around us. I think you know what I'm sayin'. A perfect date for me would look like this: I get high...well, that's a given...invite you over to puff tough on this Kettle Korn Kush Berry Spice. We stare at each other from across the room as a beam of light hits your face like a sun comet SPLUSH! I taste the scent of your eyes, chinese dragons enter from the sides of the room....a chime chimes...little feet brush against the side of your face...a man's laughter....a baby is born, new life...a cat's tail appears, the cool kind...nature exposes itself in it's splendor...the simple first drop of tea in an empty cup...a literary narrative overhead...a boy's dream...John Mayer
So if that sounds good my little sweet buddess H. M. U.
I'm a Scorpio, what else? Uh, yeah, I will totally wreck your shit, in a good way, and proceed to just wreck your shit. My last boyfriend, I used his keyboard like a paper plane out the front door. The next day I turned my front entryway into a heart, painted it red with blue veins running through so he'd know he'd walked right back into my heart. Unfortunately, we're broke up now. He should be getting the Christmas card I sent any day now, I painted the inside with non-drying black ink so when he opens it he'll get as black as the void he left. So, sigh, now I need a replacement. How am I supposed to know if he misses me if I don't make him jealous to the point of rage. I need a man. I also need some twist ties, a bunch of rope, a knife, some ether and a tarp.
Man oh man, it's Scoot Boot back in business and ready to expand my horizon's. For a minute I took a break from Weebler to go get married and divorced then married and divorced AGAIN! Let's see the first one was just a knock out, like literally we got into some hand-on-hand combat in bed and I had to take her out before she killed my snake Betsy. I know what you're thinking, Betsy is a cow name, well, it just was the first thing that came to mind. The second one, well now she was a real zinger. Yeah, she stuck me with her Taser Gun when I got an extra lap dance at the Pitiful Passions strip club. Now the first one was tested, marked and approved, but the second one was on me, literally, and without proper permission that just made me the scum of the earth. So here I am basically against my will hunting for my next partner in crime. Now obviously...don't be a kook. Tried it and it didn't work. Kook Boot don't sound good anyway. Scoot needs a lady that has at least some kind of head on her shoulders and a good name, something that doesn't rhyme with boot, now that's just bazaar.
Great day in the morning! Actually, I just looked at the clock and it's 3:15. I got twisted last night so I'm nursing a wicked hangover, feels like a wrecking ball went through my front window. I started the night out with some beers and THAT was a mistake, wow. Going from beer to AMF's, God, I'm an idiot. Now I'm going to have to go back to beer when I get up so that I can feel normal again. Oh man, that is the best beer of the day, that first one, ya know? I like a fine hoppy IPA, mmmmmhhhhmmmmm. I will make love to that bottle. Anyway, about me: I'm a thirty something female, aspiring stewardess, but currently working as a pithy server at a well known restaurant chain. I like to go out, I've got a lot of friends and tend to be the life of the party. Like last night I went to my local bar and my friend and I were dominating the music and then we kind of choreographed a whole musical, like dancing on the bar and using chairs as props....yeah, that's me. You might hear me say such things as: "Girl, you so crazy!" or "Hey, who drank my whole drink?! Oh, wait, here it is.. Sorry!" You: Have a good stable job, always pay for like my drinks when we go out, treat your mother nicely (but remember she doesn't live here so always clean up after yourself!), be the loyal/honest type (no cheaters!). Put the name of your fav drink in the subject line of your email so I know you're real and lets get this ball rolling...cheers!
Hola chica's, name's Boom Boom, I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic and now I'm a counsellor at a boys rehabilitation treatment center. I used to rap about drugs and gettin' high, now I rap about gettin' clean and gettin' spiritually high. Next I could be rappin' about you...yeah, that's what's up. Let's kick it like an out of bounds soccer ball, let's kick it like my Audi TT just stalled, let's kick it like I'm living straight down the hall, let's kick it _______<--insert your name here. I know what you're thinking...oh, he's so smoove, he must've just shaved. No, my flock of delicious seagulls, I have a whole head of luscious hair. You must be thinking he sounds too good to be true. Put a cup against the well, my precious gold spheres, and listen to the sounds of too real to be good. I don't know what that means and I'm sorry. It looks like this personal ad ends here and although sad, it is indeed out of utility I must disappear. ;p
Was on here a couple weeks back and man did I rake in some I.L.F.'s. Got a few grandma's, some recovering cougars, WWII survivors (feel a little bad about that) anyway I've come to add to my list. Definitely been fantasizing about G.L.I.L.F.'s (Golfer Lesbians), J.I.L.F.'s (Jews...like the last guy), J-M.I.L.F.'s (Jack Mormon's), S.M.I.L.F.'s (Single Mom's) and F.I.L.F.'s (Friends). Also, been considering E.G.O.T.F.I.L.F.'s (Extreme Game of Thrones Fans), J.O.O.T.P.W.R.I.L.F.'s (Just Out Of The Psych Ward Rebounds) and W.T.I.O.A.I.D.W.B.N.I.L.F.'s (We Tried It Once And It Didn't Work But Now...). Please suspend your disbelief as I attempt to find the ultimate unicorn of all I.L.F.'s, the R.A.T.S.M.A.T.K.H.T.G.D. (Raging Alcoholic Turned Sober Moral Authority That Knows How To Get Down). If you fit into two or three of these categories even better. Help me cross a few of 'em off the list. Let's glitter done.
I want to find a nice Jewish lady to marry and convert me. I know, I know, it sounds crazy. But seriously you Jews are always telling jokes at the table and there's always like fifteen of you. I want to be surrounded by lots of funny people. You guys had a good start in life unlike us Christian Shmucks, our first experience in life involved pain and a penis, how funny can we ever actually get? And then the whole Matrilinear passing down of the bloodline...good job! God, I wish we were that smart. Putting guys in charge really set us apart from the rest. Wow, did we fuck things up. I want a smart, educated, financially stable woman and the odds are in my favor if I can get my foot in the synagogue door. Just to be clear, I still think the Jews slayed the savior, IMO, but if we can put that behind us I'd very much like to find my soul mate of TB Jewish heritage to convert me, entertain me, tell-me-how-it-is and split the check 50/50. Whatdyasay?
A writer living in Portland, OR looking to meet Chuck Palahniuk. Single mom to 2 boys, sales agent and lawyer-in-training.