The party is poppin' right here, right in my PA (Personal Ad). It's amusing people still do these, right? When do we get to have customized robot partners with progressively intellectual OS's and sensitivity switchboards? NM. Anyway, name is Jack and I'm 36. I have never been married and I think some of that has to do with how independent I am. I'm one of those guys that goes to movies by myself and enjoys it. I know strange, right? I always have a lot of projects going on. Made my own boat last summer. It actually works!
I feel like it might be important to also mention here that I struggle with IBS. No worries, I can go AT LEAST 4 hours without shitting in my crocs. It's simply up and down motions that set off my stomach, cheese, corn, milk, beans, peas, yogurt, taffy, sandwiches, runny soups, cabbage, sausage, greasy food, beef sticks, black licorice, nuts, meats and dairy. I don't start shitting immediately, first it just sounds like a swamp gator's gutteral mating call. Once, at this Chinese restaurant, the staff was investigating a potential sewage leak cause they heard gurgling. Not to be disgusting, but when I let it rip cause I couldn't hold it in anymore... it was like taking a sleeping bag that someone had farted in two hundred years ago, sealed shut and finally burst open. I wish it was confetti, but it was definitely a billion poo particles dispersing.
Anyway, just like my mom has always said "Everybody has baggage". I assure you I am economically secure and a real gas to go out with <-see, that's funny! Give me a chance, I will blow your expectations!
Some people have old souls...not me. My name is Jason and I'm a spiritual noob. Last twenty years I spent slammin' shit into my arm under a bridge. Started out with small stuff, a bag a dope, a bottle a hooch and before I knew it I was gettin' Narcam'd every other week in a Burger King bathroom. That is until I decided to give my will and my life over to God. I "recognized and reconciled" (TM) and put it on a T-shirt, started my own religion and now I spend my time handing over leaflets to people gettin off the bus at the metro center. I'm looking for my partner in time...and all eternity. I hit rock bottom and now I'm a rock top. I'm so FILLED with THE POWER of GOD that I OVERENUNCIATE every OTHER word. If you would like to "RECOGNIZE and RECONCILE" with me, I mean God, I can help you get there. God has opened up his heart to me and told me that there is a HWP lady out there in need of my leadership. When I say I'm born again that does not mean I am back to my birth weight, it means every time we talk I'm going to get over vigilant about God to the point of almost-screaming. Come be born again with me, we can incubate together in God's presence and be fraternal twins of faith.
Heya sweethearts, I gotta coupla valentine's scraps for ya if ya don't already have a beau to wine and dine with. Last year I had a live in gf that I gave the treatment to. I literally set the alarm for her in the morning so she could get up to make breakfast for us. Then when she cleaned up all the dishes, I told her how great her ass looked and some other compliments I don't remember. I like to not remember cause then they sound fresh when I use them again. Guys, remember when you could just make a mixed tape of old 80's songs and copy it to ten tapes and write different ladies names on them? Those days are over, unfortunately. I gotta bunch of the Cure in my storage unit, don't wanna burn em, but don't know if I'll be able to get em back into my repertoire, ya know? I hate that dark crap! Be good looking, I am, but not too keen on yourself. Happy, but not fake. Have a job and don't be a free loader. I'd be glad to meet you at a dutch restaurant, meaning we each pay our own way, so neither of us have to be disappointed if we don't like what the other person looks like. We can just say we had a nice time and are tired or whatever. However, if the date goes then I'll buy you a bunch more liquor, take you home and give you the valentine surprise. What's the Valentine's surprise you ask? I don't know, be good looking and you'll find out. Contact me, Eddie, on the board and I know it's not St. Patty's but you still might get lucky!
Ha! Fooled ya, this is Scooter Boot, betcha didn't think I could get a lawyer degree, but I did, in the title. Pssst I'd rather get the boot than wear a suit, m'na tell ya that right now. No divorces since my last ad, cross my fingers.. Met a coupla ladies along the way that I did a little catch n release...if you love em you gotta let em go. Nothin of note to report in old Scoot's love life (Not that I didn't get a tail or two). I'm huggin' on a warm Coors Light right now and listening to the Doobie's, stars are out and I'm reflecting on the many ladies I'd give trophies to if my love life had an awards show. Best Ass-tress gotta be Connie O'Donnel from Medford High. Dated her when I was just a jr. and she was the Future Farmers of America nominee for homecoming queen...she lost, but now she's gettin' the revenge by takin' the crown back. Anyway, best Sportin' Ass-tress, Dana Worth. Man oh man, that ass was like two steamin hot pot pies sittin in the window sill. Best Direct Whore...my ex wife. The first one.
I know there's a lady out there lookin' at the same stars, maybe even the xact same one, you're holdin' your warm Coors and you got the station on, now it's playin' Steely Dan. I'd like to do a cheers to you and let you know I'm waitin' on the other end here, just like your own personal DJ ready to take yer request, little lady. Take the leap and hop online, let's get this chat going...
Name's S'ezzi n m like tryn ta scape all dese po boyz...got no clams, got no cheez. I nee a guy dat like the dentis, u know how ta floss knowhati'msayin'? I got da million dollah booty yo, only smack I'm havin on my ass is straight Clumbia. Take my vice, if u open a door once in awhile it don't mean there's a door closin somewhere u straight trippin. Done even think dat u can tex me if u done have a job...u a floater. Put yo coat on an I c u out. Last guy I dated was like Twilight Zone, took to da pool and he went all doo doo doo doo on Nandma. U like a prison dude or workin da corner like a stop light, turn red cuz I ain't dat thirsty. I got radical notions of like a relationship like guy shou trea me right, bring me funyans n' shit, giffs, dvd's. Plz done even contac me if u bank at da bottle drop, dat shit ain tight.
Welcome to my personal ad, I'll try to entertain you as well as provide enough information about myself that you might make an educated decision so as to see if we might be a good fit. My name is Cory and I work as a contract web developer. Since I spend a lot of time at home, I prefer to meet someone that has a job where they are gone frequently. It's just become my opinion that spending too much time together wears thin on any relationship so that is my preference. I'd like to meet a lady that has her shit together, no drugs or excessive drinking. I like intelligence. Hmmm, what else? Well, a few years ago I took a fall when I was uninstalling the Dish on my roof and sustained a pretty significant injury. My back developed a scaly infection due to the pus filled orb that kind of hung from the center and attached somewhere between my shoulder blades and where my ass meets my lower back. It was the first case where doctor's saw an actual exoskeleton that had developed on a human being. It's not a big deal, I just have to have a bag strapped to my leg that needs to be filled with preservation fluid every six hours and have a metal viewing device strapped to my face that looks like an optometrist diagnostic machine. Other than that I'm totally mobile and ready to party! I'm an open book so let me know if you have any questions.
I see all these people taking time to get to know each other and then things don't work out, can we just cut the crap already and get married? I'm ready to get married...you? That's my ice breaker. You'd be surprised how many people get offended by this. I'm like "If that offends you then that tells me that you are just not the right fit for me." After that I go into the bathroom and cry for a half hour. It would be nice to have someone to cry on, but if you say "yes" I might not need it anymore :) I mean I'd be willing to get married just to set a new record, can you imagine the headline "Couple gets married after knowing each other for twenty seconds", wouldn't that be cool? Let's get married just as a joke and then we can stay married to make the joke even more ironic and funny. I'll quit my job if you're willing to do that with me, hell, I might even start getting pregnant so we can blow this thing out of the water. Fuck dating, I want to get married. You down?
Why men assume that because I have 421 cats that I'm "mentally unable" is a mystery to me. Did you know that cats make wonderful band aids? No, not like the latex one's you silly, more like when you have a baby to repair your broken relationship...that kind of band aid. See now we have cats together and with the handicapped conjoined twin cats we've adopted we would literally have to break them apart if we separated to have our equal share. I would like a cat nip pre-nup, a pre-nip I guess we could say. That stuff ain't cheap. You know what is really expensive though? Surgically separating conjoined cats, I've looked it up and even in Mexico it's nothing short of $4,000. Why are we talking about this now? I feel like this is the time we should have getting to know each other and sharing all of our cat related expenses. If you want to know how a girl is going to treat a man, look at how she treats her cats. I mean I'm not trying to clip your nails with my teeth or perform minor laceration surgery on you, but the good stuff like feeding you (the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and I'm sure your taste buds are revving up right now), brushing your hair, rolling on the ground, giving you a cute name like "Cuddle Butter"...not every girl is going to be like that. Plus I will never, ever, ever, never, ever leave you. That's what me and my cats call a pinky pwomise, but the cats don't have pinky's so I knitted mittens for them that just have pinky's and not thumbs. No, but seriously, I've put some serious thought into my cats. Sometimes I go cross eyed from looking at the pile of cats on my bed and I can literally make it seem like some of their bodies go with other heads, it's fun.
Anyway, what I am looking for is a guy that has money, takes care of himself (I could use the help) and is stable. If you have cats that is a plus, my apartment is up to capacity, but I just stack em.
Shout out to all the single peeps, my name is Najat and I'm looking for a friend possibly more. I identify as Arabian, but I was born Caucasian hence the title Assigned White At Birth. My old name was Jen, but when I transitioned I took on a new name that I felt better suited my given race. I've always felt more exotic than my peers, more worldly. Also, I'm a big fan of Gigi Hadid who is half Arabian, unlike me who claims full heritage. The way I feel is that I was not able to choose who I was born to which is really quite unfair when you think about it. So I have Assigned Race At Beginning which I am currently battling in court to change on my official birth records. I have ARAB to Arab instead of the AWAB that I was just having to deal with. Also, I consider myself a cisgender as I observe that I behave according to my birth sex. I'm looking for a pansexual that wants to meet for coffee and maybe listen to all of my complex personality traits. Most likely a woman, I find women have greater tolerance for understanding the long list of things that offend me.
Hi guys, my name is Leebrah and guess what? I was born on Halloween! Yes, I am a Libra. Kind of kills the "What's your sign?" pick up line (FYI it's outdated anyway...if that's all you can muster up, move along! Us Libra's like creativity and being engaged in conversation) HOWEVER, I seem to be on this dating streak where I meet the guy, we have dinner or drinks or coffee and not ten minutes in he literally starts talking about his ex-girlfriend or his past sexual partners or all manners of CRAZY experiences he's had. I'm like "Slow down, all I asked was if you like Mexican food or not."
So guys out there, imagine you are on my end of this deal. I'll give you an example of the last guy I went out with. Met on Plentyofflakes.com and decided to meet at this Chinese restaurant close to my place. He meets me at the hostess stand...nice guy, wonderful smile..I'm in good spirits. We sit down, chat for a few. Enjoy some commentary back and forth about the menu items, talk about cooking, what we've tried, etc. It was like the first chance he got he segue's into saying how his ex girlfriend never let him cook. I'm thinking okay he has an ex girlfriend, good to know. But then it was like every topic that came up he related to her and how they did things so now I'm thinking he's really not over this relationship. I'm also thinking the guy has no personal identity that doesn't have to do with her and he's just looking for the next scapegoat for all of his problems. The guy before him got into blatant details about his sex life including, but not limited to ages, sizes, specific talents, quantity of times, quantity of people, quality of organs, piercing status and on an on.
So from now on guys, I'm showing up with a non-disclosure agreement. An agreement that states you are not allowed to speak of ex's, sexes, crazy life stories that don't include something heroic, nothing negative, no mental illness, no deep family conversations, convictions, accidents and a number of other items. Let's keep it light for awhile, stay in the moment. Please put your favorite mexican food in the subject line of your email :)
A writer living in Portland, OR looking to meet Chuck Palahniuk. Single mom to 2 boys, sales agent and lawyer-in-training.