Heya Weebler's...not quite sure what the Weebly means, but said here that I might get a lady friend from postin' bout myself. Name's Billy Bob, people call me Scooter Boot cause about ten years back I broke my heel gettin' off my horse. Around that time I had to have one of them big boots to cushion my leg, also had to be on a rascal scooter for basic things like pickin' up groceries and roundin' up the dogs. Got drunk on Keystone one night and my buddy's started in on the boot callin' me all sorts a catchy names like "The Crippled Jack" and "Bobby Booter" and then "Scooter Boot". That one just stuck. Plus I rigged my scooter into a front end loader for small jobs like plowin' snow and movin' little mounds of dirt. During the winter time my neighbors look out and say "Look there, that's scooter boot, the crazy snow hack on his rascal plow" so you know I got kinda a legacy now. I'd like to find a nice lady to carry that legacy one day. Imagine your name here Mrs. _____________ and then Scooter Boot Bilson. Has a ring to it, don't it? If you wanna know the intimate details bout me, while back I left an ad talkin' bout some of my personal details. Here's hopin' to hear from ya soon. Sincarely, yours truly, S.B.
I'm going to tell you what most girls won't. Basically, if you respond to this ad please, please, please be decent looking and have an above average sense of humor. I want to use you for drinks as much as you want to use me for sex, but that rides on the fact that you are decent and have an above average sense of humor. You can have no sense of humor, but in that case you are going to have to be really fucking hot. You can be a little less than what I normally deem attractive, but what you lack in looks you're gonna have to make up in funnies. If you take from the hot, you gotta make up in the humor department and vice versa. It's that easy. Hot and funny equals drinks and sex. Glad we have an understanding.
In Denver today from Connecticut and have a day to blow, company funded. Any takers for lunch or dinner? Grab a bite and then head back to my hotel. Company pays for the hotel so the hotel is on me. Get some coffee in the morning or just hang at the hotel and order in breakfast. Maybe brunch. Maybe just coffee then we can part ways. If you want we can go straight to the hotel and order dinner or vice versa. Just had my morning Joe, so I'm finally gettin' goin' here. Gotta have my coffee hahaha. Hotel. Coffee. Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Hahaha. Bee bop boop *malfunction*
If you don't know who Brad Browning is I suggest you look him up on Youtube. He is essentially the BEST relationship expert who helps girls win their exes back. In an attempt to win back my ex I watched hours of his video's and over time realized I was losing interest for my previous relationship and I was falling for Brad! OMG, he's got that conquistador mustache/beard combo like a white Spaniard, he's ripped all over and dressed in business attire and the fact that he is a personal coach is just hotmazing! Unfortunately, I tried using some of his very own tactics on trying to win him over. I tried sending him the signal I was interested by contacting his place of business and reminding his secretary of the good times we shared via computer screen, then I ignored him for thirty days. After the thirty days of NOTHING though I was livid and feeling like I was the only one really invested in this relationship. I blew up at his receptionist (Sorry Shawna!) then I called back to apologize and broke down crying about 9/11, my dog Hershey that died three years ago and then we had a few laughs about the time I bought back my own sweater from Goodwill. I felt good after that call like things were starting to patch up, but when I didn't hear from Brad (via Shawna) for seven days the hurt started to boil up again. I called up and with a threatening tone said "I know this is against everything Brad is teaching, but I'm going to seriously injure him or myself if he doesn't respond by midnight."
Legally, I'm not okay to leave my place of residence right now so I thought maybe we could get to know each other through correspondence. If you look like Brad Browning, I am interested in getting to know YOU. If you are okay with changing your name to Brad, I would be okay with that too.
I just turned 36 and being on the other side of 35 I believe it's time to make some changes. Most of these changes are of a spiritual nature. When I was 35 and younger it was okay to go to the bar every night, meet a stranger and then complain the next day at work about my twisted hangover. Now I'm at a stage where it's time to take myself more seriously, enroll myself in yoga, wear yoga pants every day and buy a shitload of crystals. Yesterday I was hanging out with a guy named Chris taking Jell-O shots, today I've changed my name to Cahya (buddhist for 'one who is light in darkness'), enrolled myself in six months of aerial silk classes, started a Pinterest account and built a shrine in my room to mother earth with mad crystals and a bunch of sticks and stuff. I also think it's important that I meet a man who is equally as interested in spiritual stuff, like incense, and maybe has dreadlocks or wears clam diggers with sandals. I want someone who has been waiting for the right person cause I totally believe in that and someone who isn't interested in brand name clothes, just brand name yoga wear. If you are this man I search for I believe you will know because the powers of the universe will have drawn you to this ad. There are no coincidences. Namaste, Cahya
Three ways, sideways, Seguays all welcome. If you want we can have a three way sideways on a Seguay. Lap tops, Carrot tops, Top Gun, I do it all. You want me to dress like a ginger Maverick then let's call this role...played! I'm also into soccer piss play, that's where I knee over your chest with one leg down, like I'm posing for a soccer picture with my team, and piss on your chest. Happy to do fore play, that's where I use my dick as a golf club and hit your chin yelling "Fore!" Or four play as in you, me and a bowl full of two other people. We can fill that bowl full of corn flakes as well...I do soggy or dry. There's not a lot I won't do: Screw Tapes, Bandage play, Head Gear, Mask Puppets, Cling Wrap, STD exchange, Venereal Pump, Duck Dive, Coveralls, Ink Cartridge, Toner, Back Stint, Tiger Glue, Gorilla Bump, Pussy Kicks, Hickory Plugs, Hot Vulva, straight piles of naked people...are just a few more things I'm into.
As far as gender and other preferences there's really no discrimination: she-males, duck tales, bride-zillas, Sasquatch, Undercover Boss, Quakers, Katherine Heigl, Nomads, Gonads it's all welcome here. Let's get together and create a melting pot of private parts!
Name's Billy Bob "Scooter Boot" Bilson and I gotta hankering for a lady friend in my life. I'm gettin' old and the old hip flexer's ain't working like the old ones. Not sure if that even made any sense there, but 'nways point is havin' a partner to share this cut a wheat I been chewin' on for a few decades would be sweet as jelly. Gettin' soggy. Not my parts, the straw stick I mean. I'm a fit old ranch hand and hung like a Stetson with an adrenaline shot to the junk. Standin' in front of the mirror this mornin' naked with my legs spread apart, I'll be damned if I didn't look like a "M" with my hang down staring back at me. Whoooweee! May be gettin' old, but I still got my golden lasso ready to steer jerk at any moment. In case you're not catchin' the drift, I got a big weiner. Now that's a personal ad if there ever was one! Lookin' forward to gettin' to know yer and please include a picture of yerself (I really like a purdy face) and a few things to let me get to know ya. Be awaitin' yer reply, sincerely Scooter Boot.
I've been cat fishing for years and the dating pool has never been more difficult. Ever since MTV started doing that show and other daytime television programs started to "out" my lifestyle, meeting someone has been hard. I miss getting to know the intricate details of my potential partners life like what do they like to do for fun, how long was their last relationship, what were their last three addresses and what is their current bank account number. I miss coming up with heroic details of my life in the military; the wars, the woman who left me while I was overseas for my best friend and why I now need her to cash a check for ten thousand dollars because of the laws put in place by the African Embassy where I am now serving. Age and weight are not important, ideals and morals are inconsequential, what I am looking for is a woman, a man is okay too, that has ten thousand dollars and valid U.S. Bank account. Everything else will fall into place after. I promise to promise to take good care of them and make them feel loved and desired for as long as they send me ten thousands dollars on a regular basis. Yours Truly, Prince Anorak Butunde
I know there are lot of guys out there into big girls, but somehow when the ones I meet present themselves to me they always have to have a rhyming euphemism (i.e. muffin for the toughin' and cushion for the pushin') cause they can't just act like a normal guy that wants to go out with a normal girl. I had a guy tell me he needed some dough to make it grow. That's not even a good analogy because dough needs yeast to grow and once it is dough, it's done and nothing is growing anymore. Then there's this guy I met online who told me he needed some fat to go to bat and so now we're talkin' toddler level rhyming scheme, unrealistic baseball scenario and he somehow managed to make the word "fat" carry ten times it's own weight by his seemingly aggressive reliance on it as if he were going on a cross country road trip and it's his mandatory auxiliary tank. Can I just have a guy ask me out that doesn't make a sing-song alliteration as to why he would go out with a girl like me? For lack of a better rhyming scheme I need a guy to help me overcome the rest of you pricks.
Just a tip...If a girl is not into you no amount of creeping up from behind is going to change that. For example, I'm not physically attracted to you cause I think you look like Arnold Swartznegger and Frankenstein had a baby so you try asking me out normal and we go on a date. During that date I decide I can't get past the fact that you look like Stonehenge with a face. Instead of taking my "I think it's best if we just be friends" as some kind of Tide challenge you need to just retreat back to Grayskull for a mini cause any idea that you might have of creeping up from behind or the side or the other side is not going to work. You can file an appeal, but I will prosecute you for being creepy. Don't turn my "no" into a sales objection and our non-relationship into a business transaction cause now any sex appeal you might have had from imagined confidence is stripped and we both know the only way you're going to get a girl is by force. AND you are willing to take the chance.
So I have enough stalkers at this point that I'm just not taking any more applications. At last I can look for my elusive hunk that plays the guitar and generally wants nothing to do with me. Hopefully, you are impressed that all these guys want me. I have like a million stalkers cause I'm that special. I need you to help me feel safe. And if I ever don't get what I want I can throw in your face that all these guys are just waiting to sleep with me. That's not a threat, I'm sorry if it sounded that way, it's just the reality. If you ever leave me I'll fuck ten guys in an hour, just sayin'.
So just a recap. Not accepting any more stalker apps. If you play the guitar and are ready to treat me like dog dirt, I'm open to taking your call.