I'm just a pretty normal guy with a snow globe and magic eye poster collection looking to go to Santa con. Just a regular Joe with a rare Bunyan problem and an allergy to Starburst. I'm a romantic, a pirate enthusiast and a bone collector. There's just a few unique things about me, I have sleep apnea, unfortunately, I made a bong out of the machine that is supposed to help me sleep and so instead of clearing my pathway I'm getting ripped on fumes and dreaming about lizard flutes. Other than that I'm a normie who built a laser in my garage that makes holographic pictures of Johnny Depp. I function regularly save for the fact that I lost my legs from the knee down in a geiser blast and now I run for my life on modified snow ski's. Whelp, I better stop talking before I tell you too much about me, the fun is in the mystery. Let's get to snow each other, eh?
Trying to find the girl that threw up in my cab this weekend. You: Short, blunt blonde hair and black jumpsuit. Picked you up in front of Macaroni Grill where you were yelling "I want a divorce!" to someone inside. You flagged me from the curb and ran up to the passenger seat. After you climbed in you started crying hysterically and then you admitted you were on mushrooms. I drove in circles for almost an hour as you tried to reach someone on your contacts that knew your physical address. Than you threw up and it smelled like Pasta Primavera and skittles. While you were throwing up you were attempting to roll down the window and it hit the side of my face like pancake batter. You tried to dab it off with the side of your purse, but contents were spilling out and what must have been a whole sack of pennies spilled all over the puke. I ended up dropping you at the front of the hospital where you approached the desk and demanded they "Stop the mushrooms...immediately!"
Anyway, are you divorced yet?
I'm straight up interested in meeting a subordinate lady that is ready to serve her master. Did you read Fifty Shades and liked the sadistic yet loyal lover type? If so you've come to the right place...
In the past you were with weak little boys. Maybe you could be a royal bitch and start complaining in the car about how Kanye proposed to Kim. "Oh," you'd say, "Kanye is soooo sweet! When he proposed he rented the whole ballpark!" And, in return, your innocent little bitch boy would say, "One day, baby, just you wait. You and me...on the screen, the umpire announcing the engagement and me live down on one knee. Nothing is impossible".
Nah. I'll be that guy that be like "A motherfuckin' ballpark?! That waaaayyyyy outta the ball park, bitch whatchu talkin' bout? I'll buy you a hot dog, sit down!" I'll be that dom you've been looking for. Not only am I a dom in the car, I also like to get down at the grocery store. If you're used to that pu**y that pushes the cart with you side by side and tests the avocado's for the perfect ripeness. Nah. I be like "Why you inspectin' that avocado like you the DEA bitch, put some food in the metal box and let's bounce!" Besides the store and the car, I can exert my dominance with you at yo momma's, at yo work parking lot and at the courthouse when you filing paperwork. "Baby, why you fillin' out papers like anyone gives a sh*t? Get in the car!"
However, in the bedroom I like to curl up...alone...like a little baby and cry myself to sleep. If you into that too, bitch, look me up and let's get down.
Photo by Henry Hustava on Unsplash
A writer living in Portland, OR looking to meet Chuck Palahniuk. Single mom to 2 boys, sales agent and lawyer-in-training.