Unfortunately, my face is in need of help. Haha. I'm a landscape guy so when someone tells me they believe the grass is greener, I ask them to tell me directly where that grass is they are referring to so I can go give the owner a quote. My grass gets pretty damn green I've been told, so honestly I'm not looking for greener grass. Even if I found greener grass I'd still be happier with mine cause I put my own sweat into it. Also, I live in a glass house and those same people like to tell me I shouldn't throw stones. As far as I'm concerned no one should be throwing stones. Why would we be enabling everyone but people who live in glass houses to do that? I guess guys without sin can throw stones at glass houses? How about we all just put the stones down, how's that for an idea? Let's just appreciate the glass and the architecture.
I'd like to say that I'd be happy as a clam to meet ya, but I don't think clams practice sentient feelings of joy. I can say that I won't get cold feet at least. The temperature in my shoes runs fair to average.
I'm your fantasy girl, you know the one in the erectile dysfunction commercial. No, not the Asian, the busty redhead or the sassy black chick. I'm the blonde that kind of agrees with what the other girls are saying and giggles without ever managing to close my mouth completely. Hi. Yup, just sitting here with my girlfriends next to a fireplace sipping white wine and talking about dicks as usual.
The thing is... when the commercial ends filming we are not talking about men's penises, like ever. I have four kids to pick up that go to three different schools. Anna, the Asian one, has a candle business that she is obsessed with. If the word candle was replaced by the word "penis" than you could definitely say she is obsessed with the size and also the scent, but contrary the only fucking thing she talks about is the Winter Paradise convention where a bunch of new merch is being introduced. Ashley, the redhead is borderline lesbian she hates her husband so much. He's obsessed with the size of his penis, not her. Like it's not tiring enough to go to work and act ecstatic about dick size to have to go home and the gig never ends! "How about from this angle, how's it look now?" For awhile she tried to fake excitement thinking maybe she was the one woman that didn't really give a shit about how big a guy is. We all did. Until one of us decided to speak up and say "Hey, does it really matter?" And bravely each one of us came out one after one to regail our stories about how sex with our average men was actually amazing and the most annoying part was their whining about not being big enough. Courtney, the sassy black one suggested to the director that men actually do the commercial because the emotions and reactions would be much more real and less contrived.
Anyway, my name is Megan, I'm looking for a special man in my life. I left my husband last year when he had an erection that lasted longer than 65 hours leaving him crippled from the waist down. When I say I'm looking for a huge dick, I'm not talking about your cock, I mean I'm looking for a man who constantly has better things to do. That's the kind of big dick most of us women sit around obsessing about.
Was just checking out these personals and they sound pretty decent. You got the run of the mill guy that wants to poop on someone, the Scooter Boot guy that frankly scares me a little more than poop guy, the lady who wants a guy that lays in bed all day. You got the guy who wants to do golden showers under the golden arches while watching the Golden Girls. It's like the Wizard of Oz, everyone is here! My name is Shane and I don't have any crazy quirks. "Oh, that's what they all say!" Yeah, I can hear your mom now. No, pretty norm-ish. I'm 32 and single, never been married. My favorite color is green. I'm a Virgo. I work in sales and graduated with a degree in Psychology. I had a pretty good stint with World of Warcraft in my twenties and so that may have delayed my relationship maturity, but I had a few short running girlfriends. I talk to my mom weekly, we're buds. I like to hike, bike, camp, go on spontaneous trips, play Words with friends, go to comedy clubs, eat all kinds of ethnic foods. Yeah, so that's me in a nutshell.
So now tell me about you, but before you do...one question...
Can I shit on you?
Okay, so I'm that guy from the earlier ad, I just didn't get the overwhelming response I thought I was going to get (just a Harry Potter impersonator and a heavy set BBW tranny, sorry, I'm kind of picky about who I poop on). I felt I needed to write a less formal ad and hopefully get your guard down so you could cozy up to the idea of my butt on your chest, face and possibly poop directly into your butt (we can talk about it, I'm a great communicator). We can even role play like I'm not going to poop on/in you, we don't even have to talk about it.
Call me, let's get wasted.
A writer living in Portland, OR looking to meet Chuck Palahniuk. Single mom to 2 boys, sales agent and lawyer-in-training.