First off I'd like to sorry beforheand for any typing erors in this ad, I am sinverely dyslexic and struggle with prpoer spelling. I am lurking for a woman, prefrably around 04 that has her shit togehter. Is it unresonbale that I might find true love despise my disabillable? I myshelf am a hard worder and a good fiend. I am a wordworker and injoy long woks on the bitch (Most days off I spend my time at the bitch). Alsow, I hav heard that been close to my mothr shoes that I am gone to treet the girl of my dresams like a prices. My name is Mtta, let's grab a dink togehter!
Maholo, hola, Ni hao my name's Benthair Dunthat, I'm a world traveler dying to regale you with hours of tales of my great adventures. I know you want to hear about the time I got five pygmies drunk on a Sunday...how do I know that? I took lessons from a third generation psychic in the Indies. Most of my stories start with "In the Indies..." Please ask me where the Indies are so I can topple off my chair flailing my arms "You mean you don't know where the Indies are??!!" Making you feel like you have the education of an infant gorilla. I apologize now for every story you recount I have something more eclectic, worldly and exciting. Somehow I cannot provide the same excitement I speak of regarding my adventures on blind dates, no, I've been told I'm boring, arrogant and self-centered. I'm not sure what is so boring about seeing my Facebook album entitled the Indies May 2002 to June 2017 with over 5,000 pictures as I've greatly proven in each one I am singularly the most exciting person on the planet.
I would call myself a sugar daddy, but I'm a diabetic so it just doesn't feel right. If you say "Daddy want some sugar?" It actually sends me into somatic shock, my lungs close up and I can't breath. (Although, I have to say hearing it sounds very sexy). In effect, I am looking for a sugar-free baby, a sucralose baby, pretty much any baby that doesn't have fructose or glucose or a combo of both...metaphorically. I'm a well off man in my early 60's looking for a younger lady to spoil and give a leg up in life as long as I'm not losing a foot over it, if you know what I'm saying.
Why should I have to narrow my search to a single lady when what I really want is two or three? The more the merrier I think. I see one girl walking down the street and I'm like meh. I see two girls and suddenly me and all my guy friends can't believe it. What's this? Two girls? Walking together?! No F'ing way!!! Three girls and our eyes turn into phosphorescent pinwheels, tongues come wagging and the old sound of a jalopy horn (Uh-rooo-gah) plays overhead. Four girls walking together pass us by and we blow up. It's as simple as that. It causes an internal meltdown and a pyrotechnic blast, subsequent ash shower and then a filthy mess for the side walk crew. I'm not sure what I would even do with two girls. I think I'd go hide, it's just too good having two of you together in my vicinity. That is enough.
Is a good warm up for what I'm into. In case you aren't as schooled in the art of sex positions like I am, a duck Dy-Nasty is when you fart on a girl and it sounds like a duck call. I'm into newbies and oldies, into doobies and coldies. I'll teach you the ropes, also tie you up in them or I'll listen and learn while you burn whatever wax on my extremities. I'll do 69, 42 or 77. 77 is when you lie creepily behind someone with your arms over their shoulders like a zombie...nonconsensually. I also like Plan B, that's when the drunk girl your having sex with wakes up and discovers your not her boyfriend and you plan bail out the literal back door. I like Crotch Sharks, Meat Bales, Clam Rockets, Hooka Dab Scoopie Doops, Vag Snacks, Dusty Feathers, Glum cum drips, Spanklers, Dom Bites, Mini Butt Blasts, Pig Toots and Core Rippers just to name a few.
I can come over tonight and add in a couple dank spanks, that's when I spank you with the dried stem of a marijuana plant if you call soon. It's really a no-brainer...super into those as well!
Hi Boo's, my name is La Tish and I been crushin' it since hole 1 and I ain't talkin' bout golf honey. Last man I called boo had a boo'ze prolem and he'd show up to da pool like Freddie Krueger and shit. People be like yo man all went Friday the 13th at the baby shower girl, it's time to end that nightmare and move to a new street before ya got some real casualties yo. Did I mention I'm real? Yeah, 100%. Also, did I mention I KEEP it real? Yeah. I keep it so real that you can draw a marker on my face and it turns purple like a twenty dollar bill at the .99 cent store. The man of my dreams is not riding on his overdraft account with Coinstar, knowhati'msayin'? I'm lookin' for a tall stack of coins to take a dip in, maybe even swim laps. There's a lot more to know about me, I got lots of opinions and I'll give em to you. Please don't make me give you an opinion about your momma (and her controlling nature), your job at McD's or your old rattler you pick me up in. I'm lookin' for the Bill Gates of first dates so come on hustler, show me.
Hello, ladies and germs my name is Grandma Donna. Long time reader, new contributor. Thought I'd dust off the old rug and get out to meetcha. Bought this rug years ago at a fancy boutique. It was beautiful, dense and frankly very useful. Used to clean it regularly and throw it up on the line to spank down with a wooden spoon. As time went by though I had a few kids and the rug got stomped down with all the traffic. For awhile it was being used as a dog bed and eventually we used it as a protective cover for some antiques that we rolled up in it and stowed away. My husband died last year and I did a full house clean up. Found the rug, shook it out and had some professionals come out and do the once over. Now it's back to looking dense, if not brand new. Thought I'd extend an olive branch to some gents (Scooter boot, here's lookin' at you honey) and have you over for a little picnic on my rug.
P.S. You don't have to call me grandma
A writer living in Portland, OR looking to meet Chuck Palahniuk. Single mom to 2 boys, sales agent and lawyer-in-training.