Great day in the morning! Actually, I just looked at the clock and it's 3:15. I got twisted last night so I'm nursing a wicked hangover, feels like a wrecking ball went through my front window. I started the night out with some beers and THAT was a mistake, wow. Going from beer to AMF's, God, I'm an idiot. Now I'm going to have to go back to beer when I get up so that I can feel normal again. Oh man, that is the best beer of the day, that first one, ya know? I like a fine hoppy IPA, mmmmmhhhhmmmmm. I will make love to that bottle. Anyway, about me: I'm a thirty something female, aspiring stewardess, but currently working as a pithy server at a well known restaurant chain. I like to go out, I've got a lot of friends and tend to be the life of the party. Like last night I went to my local bar and my friend and I were dominating the music and then we kind of choreographed a whole musical, like dancing on the bar and using chairs as props....yeah, that's me. You might hear me say such things as: "Girl, you so crazy!" or "Hey, who drank my whole drink?! Oh, wait, here it is.. Sorry!" You: Have a good stable job, always pay for like my drinks when we go out, treat your mother nicely (but remember she doesn't live here so always clean up after yourself!), be the loyal/honest type (no cheaters!). Put the name of your fav drink in the subject line of your email so I know you're real and lets get this ball rolling...cheers!
Hola chica's, name's Boom Boom, I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic and now I'm a counsellor at a boys rehabilitation treatment center. I used to rap about drugs and gettin' high, now I rap about gettin' clean and gettin' spiritually high. Next I could be rappin' about you...yeah, that's what's up. Let's kick it like an out of bounds soccer ball, let's kick it like my Audi TT just stalled, let's kick it like I'm living straight down the hall, let's kick it _______<--insert your name here. I know what you're thinking...oh, he's so smoove, he must've just shaved. No, my flock of delicious seagulls, I have a whole head of luscious hair. You must be thinking he sounds too good to be true. Put a cup against the well, my precious gold spheres, and listen to the sounds of too real to be good. I don't know what that means and I'm sorry. It looks like this personal ad ends here and although sad, it is indeed out of utility I must disappear. ;p
Was on here a couple weeks back and man did I rake in some I.L.F.'s. Got a few grandma's, some recovering cougars, WWII survivors (feel a little bad about that) anyway I've come to add to my list. Definitely been fantasizing about G.L.I.L.F.'s (Golfer Lesbians), J.I.L.F.'s (Jews...like the last guy), J-M.I.L.F.'s (Jack Mormon's), S.M.I.L.F.'s (Single Mom's) and F.I.L.F.'s (Friends). Also, been considering E.G.O.T.F.I.L.F.'s (Extreme Game of Thrones Fans), J.O.O.T.P.W.R.I.L.F.'s (Just Out Of The Psych Ward Rebounds) and W.T.I.O.A.I.D.W.B.N.I.L.F.'s (We Tried It Once And It Didn't Work But Now...). Please suspend your disbelief as I attempt to find the ultimate unicorn of all I.L.F.'s, the R.A.T.S.M.A.T.K.H.T.G.D. (Raging Alcoholic Turned Sober Moral Authority That Knows How To Get Down). If you fit into two or three of these categories even better. Help me cross a few of 'em off the list. Let's glitter done.
I want to find a nice Jewish lady to marry and convert me. I know, I know, it sounds crazy. But seriously you Jews are always telling jokes at the table and there's always like fifteen of you. I want to be surrounded by lots of funny people. You guys had a good start in life unlike us Christian Shmucks, our first experience in life involved pain and a penis, how funny can we ever actually get? And then the whole Matrilinear passing down of the bloodline...good job! God, I wish we were that smart. Putting guys in charge really set us apart from the rest. Wow, did we fuck things up. I want a smart, educated, financially stable woman and the odds are in my favor if I can get my foot in the synagogue door. Just to be clear, I still think the Jews slayed the savior, IMO, but if we can put that behind us I'd very much like to find my soul mate of TB Jewish heritage to convert me, entertain me, tell-me-how-it-is and split the check 50/50. Whatdyasay?
Name's Csv'a and I got my sitez set on catchin' me a homeboi. I got a guh name and I dry but ain't got no licenz. What I like in a malez is like u hollah back an anser muh texts, ya know? U be ballen fo realz an not tryin' to get the reach on day one, yuhknowhati'msayinisreal! Alwayz trea ur lady boujie. The last one got popped an I was like deeeemmm son. Hellz to the no ho. Keep it a hunnah puhcent or I'm puttin u on clearance. Plus I'm like so fun e'rybody be like "Oh Csv'a dat girl cray, she cut all Dai Dai's guh jeans and went pyscho on his new boo." Yeah. I'm like that girl that stare down e'rybody at the party and no one fuck wit. No one's guhn fuck wit my friends, my family or nunya. Hear dat fool? So haha for a guh time, call me fool.
Hiya folks it's Grandma Donna. I don't get this online dating. Back in the day my mom would drop a carload of us girls in front of the church where a group of boys were hanging out and tell us to grab em. "Hurry girls, there's three over there! Get em! Grab em by the arm or the neck before they get away! Look, there's another one disappearing around the corner Donna! You don't grab em fast you're gonna lose em and another girl is gonna swoop in! Get em, get em now and get em fast!" I often think about the one that got away. Yeah, he slipped between a V shaped tree and made his way into the woods. Darn shame, he was a cutie! Now you try and grab em and they start talkin' fancy words about assault or harassment, everybody thinks they're a lawyer nowadays. Can't grab em through the computer, no, but I'd like to see if you can grab my attention with a clever word or two. Grandma Donna's gettin' lonely and Scootie Bootie won't answer the little snails I sent sneaking over to his mailbox. :( Love, GD
Good afternoon friends! Ladies, gentlemen, trans, bi's, half-guy's, black eyes, black guys, interracial intergalactic species...my name is Jones and I consider myself a collector of experience and an observer of interaction. I am a voyeur and a participant. I've been into BDSM for awhile, but of that I have grown weary and branched out into other sexual trades so to speak. For one, I've been experimenting with SJPPS which is exactly what it sounds like...Sarah Jessica Parker Poster Splatter. Was thinking of maybe a Bukake sesh where four or five guys get together and go to Manahattan on one of the 467 SITC posters I bought. Also, been into BNBLGBTEBT which just stands for Bed and Breakfast Lesbian Gay Bi and Trans Elctronic Boner Transfer. This is where we rent a bed and breakfast and watch robots struggle with their sexual and gender identity. Another thing I like is BBLMIA. This is where I say I'm going to be back later and then go completely missing in action. Sometimes I like to install a camera and watch your reactions from far away. What can I say, I like to keep things interesting...I'm getting old, but my tricks don't have to.
Getting super frustrated with this site. Name's Sean and out of my multiple attempts to get Cleveland Steamed, I've had two responses; One was a bot and the other was trying to sell me on starting my own company. I'm just a regular guy (no pun intended) looking for a regular girl (literally) to poop on me. Not hard...the request I mean, the poop preferably. I don't care if you have to squat or stand over me like a soft serve ice cream machine, I'm results oriented. I understand there are many stigma's out there surrounding fecal matter and it's many components, I beg you to rethink your previously conceived notions about what is acceptable in the bedroom and consider dropping a deus or tres on my face, neck and torso. You have your preferences, I'm not going to try and change that, the only thing I'd like to change is the sheets after I worship captain dark snake. Take a chance, you won't regret it. Or you might and then there's therapy for that. Those people need work too. Anyway, I'm getting off subject. Let's have a three way: you, me and your little friend. Dream on that.
God, I'm sick of games. Not Scrabble, you idiot. No, men who act like they are into me then don't call back. Or guys that lure me into bed then ghost me. WTF? What happened to getting to know each other, saying I like you and you say it back and we get all giggly and kiss. No, fuck, it's like "Hey babe wanna Hang Out?" Lots of interested texts then we meet at the Salt and Straw, follow up with a few drinks and next thing I know I'm sucking you off for wooden nickles. Oooookay. What just happened? Ya know? AND THEN I don't hear from you, strategically send a text like "How you doin'?" two days later and you either a) blow me off or b) come up with some lame full time job you suddenly have which is going to obviously keep you from messaging me. You know you don't have to make up a series of mental illness diagnosis to get me to stop calling you. Then two weeks later AFTER I'VE RECOVERED FROM YOUR SUDDEN BI-POLAR PROBLEM you message "What's up?" Suddenly, I'm all in cause I'm like okay maybe I just over reacted. "Not much," I say. "Wanna Hang Out?" I'm like "Sure." We get together, it's great, lots of fun and then full on wooden nickles what the fuck??!! You disappear. I start cutting myself. Can we just communicate like adults. Can we just talk about what's gonna happen. "I'm on the fence about you, I'd like to sleep with you and maybe bail" kind of heads up. "I'm gonna pop in and out as I please like Pennywise on amphetamines" and just lay it out so I can subdue my fear of clowns, games, circus acts and all other forms of carnie bullshit? Thank God! If you are into dungeons and drag queens, leave me out! If you wanna play Clue with my heart, get a clue and peace out! Please and thankyou!
Why hello little ladies, step right up for the one, the only, Scoot R. Boot, esq., III. Back on here cause right about now I'd like to be doin' less chuggin' and more huggin' and I think you know what I'm talkin' bout. Last month I thought I might have found a lady friend to call my own. In the tradition of the male portion of my family, I screwed it up. In a literal sense I ran over her mailbox and was countin' sheep in the hen house. And in a literal sense, she gave me the boot. What I mean is in an attempt to drag me out my good foot got caught on a rusty nail in the barn and so to make a long story short and if it ain't to much trouble, you'll be drivin'. Message me the old fashion way: pigeon, snail mail or whatever you fancy and let's ride this rascal into the sunset!
A writer living in Portland, OR looking to meet Chuck Palahniuk. Single mom to 2 boys, sales agent and lawyer-in-training.