For a long time I tried dating and doing the whole dance. I put on a suit and I put on a face. The problem with this facade was that it was startling to the women I dated when they found out who I really was and what I really wanted. What they didn't understand is that it is possible to be a gentleman to the world and be a whole different kind of man in the bedroom. At first, it took me five years to pop the question. I was always wondering when would be a good opportunity. Dinner never seemed liked a good time. Dessert even worse. Do I leave it on a message machine? "Hi, this is Larry, had a lot of fun with you last night. That waiter was a gas, anyway, I felt kinda weird bringing this up, but I was wondering if it'd be okay if I took a shit on you? No biggie, or it might be...that's TBD, but you can get back to me whenever." It's amazing how much pressure one feels bringing up this topic, far more pressure than even the largest bowel movement. In fact Freud would probably assign my desire to take a dump on you to the stress you have put on me for being unable to adequately express myself. Just as an artist expresses themselves through paint, I'd like to paint you with my poop. There, is that better? More palatable? I don't care how I have to say it, I want to take a shit on you and it somehow feels time sensitive. Wow, that feels good to say out loud and I can only imagine the kind of relief I might feel if I was also able to poop, out loud, on your neck, chest and face. I mean when you think about it, you never truly know the content of someone's character until they take a shit on you...so what say you? Let's rock n' roll!
I know there's a special lady out there for me somewhere, this one's for you...
I'm looking for 'special' as in 'special ops'. Looking for a woman who can start a fire five different ways, open a can with her teeth and isn't afraid to say "No officer you can't see our gun collections". Together we will build a fence around our love and declare ourselves sovereign. Looking for a lady that is HWP because, hell, how you gonna scale barbed wire fences with a cold pack if your full of pound cake and mutton? A romantic night for me would be like, say, shit hits the fan, there's a loud burst and suddenly shrapnel is comin at us from all sides. You're down on the floor loadin' up and I run outside to power up the truck and fifth wheel. Backing out of the house you see a few marshall's comin' out of the woods and you're just gunnin'. I tell you to hop in and you grab onto the door as I'm peeling out. You look over at me as another large explosion goes off in the distance and yell, "Baby, you bring that heat and I'll do the cookin'". You smack one on me right there and I'm tryin' to steer, but you know, you get the idea. Must not be opposed to warming yourself inside the recently slaughtered carcass of a bison if needs be.
We can meet in a public place, if you prefer, but I'll tell you right now you should be much more afraid of "other forces" out there than meetin' with a guy like me in private. I promise I won't declare a national crisis and round ya up naked into a "transitional shelter" where I'll force ya to work and starve to death. That is a guarantee. I got a good feelin' about this so here goes nothin' and I'll await your correspondence. Big Mike
Hey there ladies, first timer here OR personal ad virgin I guess you could say (please don't take advantage of me!) (JK LOL!!) but anyway I'm new to town and looking for a chick to get some coffee with and maybe jump in the hot tub later. Don't think I'm a creep for bringing up hot tubbing, it's just something I like to do and thought it might be a great way to avoid a deep conversation (the hot tub is only four feet, right?) Not looking for anything more than just a hot tub friend, just someone (a lady) to put on a bikini with a stranger for free. We don't even have to get coffee for that matter or dinner. If you prefer we can go straight to the hot tub and I can gaze at you appreciatively in your bathing attire. Even though I said "just hot tubbing" if there happens to be more I'm not entirely opposed to that either. I'd be okay with a little rubber ducky action or inflatable toys if it's organic. Hot tubbing is the main event, but it will be featuring you, me and whatever plot line we align. I'll role play with you a scene from Cape Fear or Magic Mike and all you have to do is respond exactly how I imagine, it will be fun. I'm not looking for anything serious so don't worry, just looking for a friend to hot tub with and maybe impregnate. I know that's a big jump, but hot tubs just make me think of water births, aren't they beautiful? I hope I haven't scared you off, like I said I'm new to this so I'm just improvising and having faith the right lady will pop into my life like a temperature fried stillborn. Oh, yeah, my name is Jake, hope to get dippin' wit ya soon. Ladies with staff-related infections need not apply.
I was born a woman, but soon discovered that I was actually a man in another life and had two unsuccesful sex change operations (which explained why I had so many lives…thirty seven) and I was actually born with female parts so as to make me gender compromised. Essentially, I had primarily a male soul that had been flip flopped karmatically over a reincarnation period of thousands of years to try and bring my sexuality into balance. This is where it gets a little crazy. I always felt like a gay man with an identity crisis even though I was born a woman (in this life) and that is because in one of my lives my dad was actually my son and I beat him because in a life before he had been a Roman soldier who killed my family.
Cool, I got the basics out of the way and you’re still reading! Now I can get into a little bit more about my likes and interests. Oh, by the way my name is Suze, but I identify as Phillip Cunningham “Bruiser”, esq. III., but you can just call me PC like I imagine my friends would. Anyhoo, I like the indoors. Most of the time you can find me on Reddit trying to crack the Sherry Papini case or on psychic encounters webpage investigating the previous lives of the Kardashians. My favorite food is dipping Doritos into hot pudding.
The person I’m looking to meet was actually a minister in the 1920’s in Hannibal, Missouri. I’m not sure if he is still a man due to the incident. In an attempt to save a boy, the minister ran into a burning home. This act of bravery turned terror when a kerosene lamp ignited an explosion. The minister lived, but he imploded from the waste to his knees. He could talk, walk and deliver beautiful sermons, however, his pee bag (made out of a camels bowels) wrapped around to the back and then became somewhat ambiguous. It was hard to tell if things split down there or if it was just like a fluid filled orb with an elephant trunk like protrusion. Anyway, I wish I could be more specific. I imagine the preacher is now a gender erased fem-male. If any of this seems familiar to you, perhaps you are he and we can continue what we began several lives ago. If so…HMU
Man comfortable with double life seeking sensitive and loving woman to dupe. Also searching for slut hole DTF.
To loving woman: I’m Brandon! Cool to meet you! I don’t usually write these things cause ya know it’s a lot easier to pay someone to do it! Write personals, I mean. I’m that guy at that bar that basically looks like a total scumbag that people easily figure out has a medical condition pertaining to my consumption. Anyhoo, I’m looking for that girl that other guys are like “That’s the girl you’re cheating on?!” to cheat on. I’d like that woman to also trust me and love me a lot. I know what you’re thinking “This guy is a monster”…well, actually I can go ahead and find selective research on the internet about how men are biologically programmed to sleep with as many women as we can in a heart beat! I got it covered! I know I’m a piece of shit, BUT…these BUTS keep me on a level playing field with whoever I can drag into my cesspool. Don’t take away my butts…parden the pun, love is great, but love isn’t making protein cum out of my blood-filled skin appendage for four minutes at a hundred dollars a pop and that’s what’s important! Oh, I have kids, did I mention that? Now I want you to pretend I didn’t say all that cause actually I was that guy, but I’m not anymore. I tried that life and it wasn’t for me. I’m actually really looking for a deep, meaningful and intimate relationship with someone I love.
To slut DTF: Hi, I’m Brandon, pretend I didn’t just write that previous post…Anyway, I’m just waiting for a little cum slut to penetrate deep. I’ll pay you for it cause the girls I’m actually getting are, unfortunately at my level…unattractive, not that smart, bigger. I didn’t get a chance to fuck thin and good looking girls when I was young so I just had a family. Yeah. I mean I have a sensitive and loving woman I’m duping, but she’s not young or thin any more so what good is that? I need to know there’s young, thin girls out there if I’m simply willing to pay for it cause that must make me a man for two seconds. I want to cum in your hole so my dick can feel like a porn star for twenty minutes only to intermittently enjoy images later mixed with periods of self-loathing for being the shell of humanity that I’ve become. What are you waiting for you dirty thing? Cum to daddy…
A writer living in Portland, OR looking to meet Chuck Palahniuk. Single mom to 2 boys, sales agent and lawyer-in-training.